


Each Hidden Feeling

by FaithfulWhispers



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional, Feelings, Gen, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 00:53:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3917095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaithfulWhispers/pseuds/FaithfulWhispers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All four of the brothers have something they keep to themselves. However, how do each of them handle it? Even though they are family, they have their own burdens to carry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mikey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, so this is a going to be a short four part story. However, each chapter will be focused on one of the turtles. I'm still working on Torn Ties as well, so I'm hoping to get that updated eventually. I just had this idea, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. Also, special thanks to BelatedBeliever for helping me edit and looking over it. She's an awesome friend. Well, happy reading ^.^

Staring up at the ceiling, Michelangelo laid upon his bed. He wasn't quite sure how late it was, but he knew that it was late enough. Occasionally, he would hear a loud clang and clatter, letting him know that Donnie was still awake. However, his brother usually wanted to be left alone when it was this late, because he was so absorbed in his work. Leo and Raph on the other hand, were shut up in their rooms, leaving him be.

A sigh passed his lips as he furrowed his brow. His muscles felt stiff, so shifted his weight to his side. His blue eyes wandered onto the posters that lined the wall, and he took in the details. As his view widened, his focus landed on the Bradford cutout sitting in the corner.

Immediately, his stomach tightened. That cutout served as a reminder of how easily manipulated he had been. Michelangelo began to chew on his lower lip, and anger bubbled to the surface. He pretended that he had gotten over it so that he wouldn't make his family worry, but deep down it still hurt. After all, he had just wanted a friend who understood him. Someone to connect with. Even with his family, he felt lonely at times.

His eyes continued to pierce that lifesized cardboard, and soon enough, he felt completely disgusted. The darkness only made the poster look more devious than what it really was, since the shadows cascaded down that fake face. Finally, he had enough of the sight and he tossed his weight to face the other wall.

Mikey clenched his eyes shut and gripped the blanket underneath him. His mind became clouded with thoughts; it was always when it's time for bed, when his thoughts came to the surface. This was the only time he was forced to sit still; to actually face his concerns.

Memories of what his brothers had said to him came up to the surface; especially the ones he had always buried. Sure, he acted easy-going, but deep down, he felt alone. To him, there were times he felt like he wasn't good enough. He wasn't respected enough.

In the end, he loved having fun, but his idea of fun differed from his brothers'. To keep the negative thoughts at bay, he would play the joker. No one in his family suspects the loneliness he keeps hidden away. However, he was alone in his room, and he wished for some company.

With the blanket in his clutches, he shifted his weight and wrapped himself in it. He curled up into a ball; it was as if he was in a cocoon. Within his fabricated cocoon, his imagination began to flow. He pictured himself breaking free and spreading his wings. The air was clean, well, more like pure, and the light warmed his skin. As Turflytle, he would would explore and meet new people; even help those in need.

Within seconds, he found himself falling and his eyes whipped open. Donnie dropped something, which caused him to jolt awake. He laid there for a minute, thinking of his dream. Then he curled up tighter as he wished to go back into that blissful state. Mikey silently cursed his brother for robbing him of that dream, then huffed out a heavy breath.

Was bliss too much to ask for? He wondered this as he stared into the fabric that completely covered him, darkening his vision. His lower lip stuck out, and his eyelids lowered. Honestly, he wasn't tired, but he had nowhere to go. Sure, he could watch television, but that would mean Splinter apprehending him. Leo would be just as critical as well, and his oldest brother preferred to be alone at night anyways. Also, he wasn't like Raph who could go off and be with Casey; at least he _had_ a friend.

As he thought about this hard truth more and more, Mikey let out a slight whine and rolled back onto his shell. The blanket pressed hard into his face, completely warming it up. However, the warmth wasn't just the blanket, but he wasn't willing to admit it.

A realization hit him.

A very hard one.

Each one of his brothers had someone to connect to. A friend that they were close to. Sure, he knows April, but he never had a heart to heart with her like Donnie had. He had Ice Cream kitty, but she couldn't leave the lair without a cooler, and he wasn't able to completely connect with her on an emotional level.

Tears threaten to spill from his eyes, so he squeezed them as tight as he could. Mikey refused to cry. He was the prankster, the jokester, and the main party guy...so, why would he be crying?

Deep down, he knew that was just a show.

The mental image of his ex-best friend flashed in his mind once more, causing him to stiffen. He then thought about the way his brothers didn't take him seriously, and the way he joked off. Mikey didn't want to think about it anymore, but it refused to leave his mind, pressing down on him. A hard lump formed in his throat and his body began to tremble. Immediately, he bit into his lower lip and shook his head, feeling the friction of the fabric on his cheek.

No.

He wasn't going to break, he pressed himself.

However, the pain was just too much and the feelings of alienation mixed with loneliness spilled over. His tears broke free from his eyes, but were instantly padded by the blanket covering his face. The heat flared within his skin, and he struggled to gulp down some air.

Mikey couldn't handle it, so he threw himself to his side again and hugged his knees in that little ball of his. Each muscle trembled, and the tears started spilling down the side of his face. The mattress became damp underneath his cheek, but he didn't do anything about it. All he did was quietly sob in between each gasp. Underneath his plastron, his chest ached. Why did it hurt so much? He couldn't quite understand.

Time seemed to stretch on slowly and soon enough, the trembling stopped. His eyes hurt, but could no longer stay open. He never wished for any of this, but what could he possibly do now? After all, he felt drained and refused to move. As his consciousness began to slip away, his ball came slowly undone, and the next thing he knew, he was struggling to stay awake.


	2. Donnie

Fatigue held onto Donatello, but he refused to cease. Ideas buzzed in and out of his mind, making him unwilling to sleep. In fact, he wasn't quite sure what he was creating, but he knew it was complicated from the ideas he pieced together. Most of his better inventions came to him late at night anyways, so at least it could be of some use.

At least he could be of use.

Frankly, he tried not to think about it, but it was too late. The thought crept into his mind and settled in there, festering. Don knew he should sleep, since his muscles were becoming tender from working with heavy duty metal. It took a lot of work to deal with metals, not that his brothers understood that, of course. An aggravated sigh passed his lips, and he rubbed the back of his neck. As he used his fingers to apply pressure, he felt the stiffness fade.

Surely, he would suffer during morning training within a few hours.

Donnie could almost picture his two older brothers smirking at him. They rarely ever took him seriously during training. Even if he did sleep, he still wouldn't be as quick or as strong as they were. He was always the weak one. The mental image of them sneering at him grew worse, causing his expression to turn sour.

They didn't get the fact that all the important things they use was made from his intellect, and that being strong wasn't all about physical abilities.

Then again, how could they understand? Donnie was the outcast. Often, he would shut himself in his lab, just because it was the only place he felt comfortable. Setting down the hammer, he glanced around the darkened room. His reddish-brown eyes wandered to all the makeshift equipment, banged up tools, and rusty objects. He wondered what it would be like to have real one with high-tech equipment.

More than likely, he would never know.

His mouth formed a hard line as he thought about it. He knew thinking about trivial things was pointless, but the emotions running through him was beyond his control. Frustration boiled up in the back of his mind. Why was he having self-doubts? He pondered on it for a moment and knew that he should stay focused. It would be better if he kept working with the complex designs in his mind.

However, the smoldering thought wouldn't let him.

He grinded his teeth together and wielded the hammer once more. Then using his free hand he placed his weight onto a bar and began to strike the metal with force. Each impact shot up his arm, however he made harder and harder hits. Finally, the agitation was too much to bear, and so he threw the hammer to the ground, causing a loud metallic slam to echo throughout the room.

Great.

Just, great.

Donnie burrowed his face into his hands. Silently, he stood there for a moment while trying to calm his nerves. It wasn't like him to get this upset, but frankly, he knew it made all kinds of sense. He just wanted some peace of mind, but he couldn't stop doubting himself. A chill shot down his spine as a new thought entered into his head.

Exactly what kind of future did he have?

Sure, he cared deeply about April, but deep down he knew he couldn't give her a proper life. Yes, he may have a brilliant mind, but he couldn't share it with the world. He had his brothers, but there were things they couldn't understand about him or his hobbies. In fact, he was an outcast trying to find a purpose or even a use for himself.

For now, all he could do was make things easier for him and his brothers. The only thing he could do was create all the tools and to fix all the things that go wrong.

That, he realized was his only purpose.

Slowly, he bent over and tenderly placed his fingers on the hammer. His reddish-brown eyes softened and the hindering thought had started to seep away. Once the tool was fully in his grip, he eased himself back upwards, then glanced over towards the workbench.

The corners of his lips twitched and his eyes gleamed. If he was going to be miserable during morning practice, he might as well make it worth it.


	3. Leo

Leo stood in his room, shifting his weight. His indigo eyes pierced the ground. Originally, he was going to go to sleep, but his body felt restless. He ended up hopping out of his bed and ran through his katas, flowing through each stance. However, after an hour of doing them, he grew tired of them and planted both his feet on the cold floor.

What now?

He still wasn't tired enough, and it was too late to go out for a patrol. Not that he could, anyways. After the latest lecture he received, he wanted to avoid another one at all costs. In the end, he settled for some meditation. He quickly lit some candles around his room and placed himself in the center. Then he eased himself down on his knees.

All he had to do was focus on his breathing.

Relaxing his muscles, he slowly inhaled after shutting his eyes. The air passed into him and he slowly released it back out. He focused on this for a while, but then his mind started to wander. Clanging sounded in the background, breaking his concentration. Of course there would be noise, Donnie normally works this late.

Leo slowly shook his head and proceeded to reorient himself. He noticed that the clanging grew louder, causing irritation to bubble underneath the surface. It was a struggle to block out the sound, but he he somehow managed it. Each breath he took was deep, and he concentrated on easing it out slowly.

Calmness settled on to him.

Time seeped away as he sat in that position, unphased by the kneeling. Out of all his brothers, he's the one that needed meditation the most. After all, he carries the most weight on his shell. Only if they knew, he thought to himself.

At that moment, his concentration broke once more. Lately, he had a harder time finding his inner peace. After all that has happened, it was only natural. Once more he settled back onto his breathing, keeping a slow steady pace. In and out. The air flowed through him and he pictured energy running through him, strengthening his core.

This was probably the most successful session he had had of late, but suddenly a loud crash sounded, causing him to cringe. All of his concentration was broken and he slowly lifted his eyelids.

A low groan rumbled in his throat as he tilted his head back. Honestly, he wish he could be as carefree as his brother. Donnie gets to goof off at night, but ends up lacking in his training. Leo wondered if he realized that his performance affects the team. That it affects him.

He wished he could be that lax.

His eyes wandered the dimly lit room before settling on a candle in front of him. Leo watched as the flame danced and flickered, giving off a deep orange glow. The noises seemed to cease, so he let out a huff and rolled his shoulders.

Perhaps, he can finally focus.

Once more he closed his eyes, and began to breathe. However, his pacing was much more rapid than before, and he couldn't fully clear his mind. Swimming in his thoughts, they shifted to how he had so much to bear. How he was responsible.

The more he tried to escape from the weight in his heart, the heavier it got until it crushed him, suffocating him. He clenched his fists that laid upon his legs, until the knuckles were almost white. His arms began to tremble as each muscle clenched and unclenched.

Why couldn't he focus? This should be so simple.

A slight snicker passed his lips. Nothing was ever simple.

Suddenly, he felt plunged into the depths of his mind where all his experiences flowed through him. His past, his mistakes, every order given, and even the ones he cares so much about. Oh how he wished that he didn't have to bear it all.

Then again, wasn't that what he asked for?

Leo wasn't quite sure anymore. His mind trailed off from those pressing thoughts and lingered on a sweeter moment. A moment where he felt free. That time wasn't all that long ago, but it seemed so far removed from him.

The image of Karai smirking at him flashed in his mind.

His breathing became shallow, and his hands were also trembling. So much has happened, but he knew who to blame. The image of Shredder standing before him waved into his mind, causing him to clench his jaw.

Shredder would pay.

Immediately, he whipped his eyes back open and stared at the ground, his indigo eyes flashed with fury. Every ounce of his concentration shattered; it was as if a glass ball had been dropped, scattering pieces everywhere.

He realized that he wasn't going to get anywhere tonight, so he might as well wait to blow off some steam during morning practice. Then hoisting himself to his feet, he stretched his arms forward to release all of the tension that built up within them. Once his body felt completely at ease, he made his way around the room and blew out each candle with a quick breath until it was pitch dark in there.

One day he would definitely pay, he thought to himself as he readied himself for bed.


	4. Raph

Each muscle in Raph's arms strained as he lifted himself upwards, using his sais to support him. He felt so much tension in his body, and he was struggling to let it out. In fact, he felt so confined in his room. Since he wasn't allowed out, he resorted to blowing off some steam in his own room.

If it wasn't so late, he would crank up his stereo, since Donnie's racket was getting on his nerves. Seriously, it's too late to for that, he thought to himself as he hoisted himself to his feet.

If only he could go out.

Honestly, it's not like Casey would be awake anyways. It would be a lone patrol out in the city, and even though he didn't mind the solitude, he just wanted someone to talk to. That was what his tension was about. All of his built up frustration was because he lost his only coping mechanism that wasn't bashing heads in.

Sure, kicking butt felt great, but that didn't solve all his problems. Sometimes, he just needed to talk it out. He didn't dare utter a word to this to his brothers, and he felt like Sensei couldn't understand him, not that he wanted to bother him with such stupid things anyways.

Why did they have to get grounded?

He hated being cooped up inside the lair. The day they were allowed topside was the greatest moment of his life. No more being cramped underground, or so he had thought. An aggravated sigh passed his lips as he felt his anger skim below the surface of his mind.

What's there to get angry about anyways?

Raph stared off into space for a moment as he recalled the events in his life. He felt exhaustion creeping up on him, but like most nights, he wasn't ready for bed. Shifting his weight, he eyed his dumbbell and decided he should just work out until he's ready to drop. Anything to keep him from thinking about the sappy stuff.

He lifted the 40 lb bell, and leaned himself back on his bed. There were heavier weights, but this one was on hand. Settling into a steady pace, he performed his usual round of reps. His emerald green eyes stared at the wall past his drumset.

His idea was failing, because more than before, he thought about things he hated thinking about. Things that made him feel queasy, angry, and bitter all at once. Anger threatened to rear its ugly head as he squeezed harder on the grip.

It was his fault to begin with.

In fact, it was his fault things were so complicated with his life. Sure, he was learning how to better control himself, but that doesn't change what already happened. If only he could have managed his emotions better or at least thought things through.

Deep down, he wished that he was more like Leo. He'd never admit, though.

He shifted his weight and started the reps on his other arm. This was cake for him at this point, and he barely felt anything. However, he did feel something.

He just didn't want to face it.

A growl rumbled deep in his throat. Why did it have to rear it's ugly head tonight? He just wanted to relax. It didn't help that the noise Donnie made annoyed him. Shaking his head, he refocused himself on his workout.

It still wasn't the same as talking to Spike.

No, Slash.

The thought of him made his bottom lip stick out, followed by a cease in movement. It seemed only yesterday his buddy sat on his shoulder, nibbling on his leaf. At first it he was ecstatic that he finally had a person who completely understood him. Though, like everything else, it blew up in his face.

In the end he was happy for him. Slash found where he belongs, and Raph knew he would see him again. It still didn't make missing him any easier though. He sat still for a moment, with the weighted arm dangling.

An idea occurred to him. Maybe he could have Donnie make a T-phone for Spi-Slash. His emerald green eyes lit up at the thought, but another pressing thought came crashing down on him. Should he really be bothering Slash with such things?

Suddenly, a loud noise broke him from his thoughts, completely unnerving him.

What's the point?

He sat the weight down on the floor and threw his weight into the bed. It creaked as he shifted himself into it. Honestly, he didn't blame Donnie for working this late, even though it got annoying at times. After all, he was just as guilty when it came to the workout equipment. His sensei put a stop to that, though. It was why he loved going out on patrols. It was an efficient way to let out some steam.

Then again, that didn't always work.

Why did things have to be so complicated? He wondered on this as he tucked his legs close to him as he tossed to his side. Being cooped up sucked and only added to the many things wrong with him.

At least morning practice was nearing.


End file.
